Inspect the Uninspected

Aberdein Considine just inspected the flat I vacated. My wee brother was so keen to avoid cleaning the place he cycled from london to edinburgh to london again just to get away. So, alone and miserable, I was left to dust the skirting boards, polish the inside of drawers and spray chemical weapons into the oven until my bronchioles had been stripped like grapes from a vine. I thought I did a pretty good job. Aberdein Considine did not.

The report declared there was a dusty radiator, with photographic proof to support this. In order to capture the offending fragment of dust it was zoomed in to such a degree, individual atoms could be identified. The molecular structure of the radiator had been dissected to show that yes, in between a couple of electrons and a neutron there was indeed, an entire iota of terrible, nasty dust.

The report raged that I had left just one kettle because there should have been two. That’s mental.

It fumed that we’d replaced a mattress when we’d done no such thing. A photo showed the alien mattress as an alibi. It was clearly a mattress that had been turned over.

And the list continues. Yes, we did transgress in a couple of instances. That iron shaped burn on the living room side-table was us and the red wine on the bathroom carpet was us and the dark oil smudges on the walls were definitely us. But still, the whole pernickety nature of it all annoyed me. How are tenants realistically supposed to retrieve their flat deposits? Should they reside entirely without eating or drinking in their abodes, dusters at the ready, Mr Sheen at prone position waiting for that dust iota to invade the surface of the radiator and attack with aggressive but spotless zeal? Probably.

I wish I hadn’t bothered cleaning the place for a week now. I wish we’d just absolutely trashed the place. It’s quite clear to me we’re not going to get the deposit back and this was determined the moment we handed that month’s worth of money over at the start of our lease. It’s how these letting agents make their money after all. My advice is probably to buy somewhere; if you happen to get by on a rather dust iota-like salary then rent through somewhere like gumtree and avoid these soul-sucking let leasing behemoths at all costs. My advice to Aberdein Considine is to spell Aberdeen correctly and buy a new second kettle yourself you tight-fisted, apathetic pedants.

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