Maternity Armour

Our boss at the school is pregnant, which is great news as she’ll have to go on maternity leave.  Unfortunately, it’s early days so she’ll be festering around the office for a good few months yet.  I only knew she was pregnant when she came in to work wearing a maroon maternity dress/dungarees hybrid that drooped down in front of her yet-to-expand womb.  I asked the teaching assistant why the boss wore such apparel so early into the pregnancy and was informed that it was a specially made garment to protect the vulnerable, unborn child.  Leaping at the opportunity for a cheap joke I asked if it was a bullet proof vest.  Apparently, yes.  Well, sort of.

Concealed within the dress is a lining of metal to shield the fetus from mobile phone signals or indeed any electro-magnetic activity.  You can’t even use a phone near the dress as it blocks out all signals.  This is absolutely mental.  Either Chinese mothers have been watching too many Godzilla movies or they really are suckers to advertising, because if we are to follow this logic through we should be wearing bloody crash helmets every time we answer a call.  Considering I’ve never seen a group of people so devoted to their mobiles before (they might as well have them grafted to the sides of their faces), I’m pretty perplexed by their fear of the phone when considering womb-based babies.  I watched the boss stagger around the school, heaving her suit of armour about the place and I began to wonder if they’ve looked into what the ‘protective layer’ is made of.

‘Protect your unborn infant from deadly mobile phone attacks with this fully-resistant lead-based baby shield!  Lined with asbestos for quality assurance.’


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